Madness in a Silken Thread
by limiculous
Summary: What Inara wanted, and what she could never have.
1. Chapter 1

**Madness in a Silken Thread  
**Limiculous

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, none of it. The characters are Joss' and the title is Shakespeare's.

i

what genetics kept from her, part i

daughters

i

She knew what she wanted, always. Until she met Captain Reynolds.

Malcolm, who admired the smooth lines of the dress she wore— Malcolm, who showed teeth in the parody of a smile and called her a whore— Malcolm, who wore a new face every day—

Malcolm infuriated her.

But Inara wanted to give him children (_any daughters_—). She wanted to wake up next to him each morning and slide her fingers across each of his cheekbones. She wanted to become a true part of this little family, Mal's crew, even if it meant running from the law for the rest of her short life.

But that first one was the most persistent (_any daughters you have_—), and the images of children gifted with his warm eyes and smirk and reckless loyalty haunted her dreams at night.

But—

She wanted to kill him for making her feel this way (_any daughters you have will be_

_just_

_like_

_you_).

i

**A.N.** Questions? Comments? CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM YES PLEASE!


	2. Chapter 2

**Madness in a Silken Thread  
**Limiculous

ii

what her family kept from her, part i

attention

ii

When she was very young, all she had wanted was attention from someone. Mostly her mother, but anyone – a teacher, a passerby on the street – would have done. It didn't have to be much, just a pat on the back or a "good job" whispered in her ear when she got a question correct in class. She never got it. She would always be the too-tall daughter of a low-ranked Alliance official who made enough money to send his only child to an elite school, but never quite enough to buy her an a place in the social circles of any of the girls there. Her father was good enough that he could easily keep his job, but too much of a _pi gu_ with a superiority complex to ever rise above middle management. Her father was too busy creating work for others to spend time in an unwelcoming household.

The loneliness was worse with her mother, who spent most of her days in the house avoiding her own daughter. Inara never quite understood why her mother never paid her any attention. After all, weren't mothers supposed to love their children beyond all reason? She didn't understand for a long time why Madame Serra drank so much, and smoked so much, and why she brought so many young men back to the house and took them behind closed doors.

When her mother collapsed, Inara would call the paramedics, and then watch from the stairs as they slid the cold needles into the veins at the crook her of elbow. It had begun happening with regularity when Inara was nine, and her mother was just over fifty.

"Your mother is very sick," her father had said the first time it happened, ushering Inara to her room. "You know what to do next time." He had left the house then, his work for the Alliance more important than the well-being of his wife and daughter. That was the last night her parents acknowledged each other's existence.

ii

**A.N.** _pi gu_ - ass

According to the word of God, delivered through Morena Baccarin, Inara was dying of a terminal illness during the show. We don't know what this illness is, but it does have something to do with the needles seen in the pilot episode... That little comment is what inspired these drabbles.

Questions and comments and criticisms (hey! unintentional alliteration!) are always welcome!


	3. Chapter 3

**Madness in a Silken Thread  
**Limiculous

iii

what her family kept from her, part ii

hope

iii

The beautiful woman on her father's arm when she was six had trailed their clasped hands through the koi fountain in their home on Sihnon, the water droplets lingering diamonds in the evening light. "You are a beautiful girl, Inara," she had murmured, running her still wet fingers through the girl's hair. "Have you ever considered becoming a companion?"

Inara had shaken her head, eyes downcast. "Father says that companions are the most beautiful women in the world. I am not beautiful." She had shifted then, away from the impossibly lovely woman beside her, feeling her long, gawky limbs acutely.

But the woman's hand had unerringly followed her lowering chin and lifted it, fixing her with an intense stare. "You will be," she had told Inara, quiet conviction in her voice. She had pressed a data chip into Inara's hand. "When you're ready," she had whispered, so close that Inara could feel her warm breath fanning across her neck, "come to Madrassa. Contact me with this."

She had smiled back at Inara as she returned to the lights and dancing of the party. Inara had fingered the data chip, feeling the ghost of the beautiful companion's fingers on her hand, her cheek, her scalp. She had considered for a moment dropping the chip among the reeds and the koi, watching it sink to the bottom to be swallowed by the mud and grime, never to see it, never to have to _lose_ the hope that someday she might no longer be the ugly duckling (_because not having that hope in the first place is easier than having it wilt and die after nurturing _it). She hadn't . She had crept up to her room and left it in her jewelry box under the cheap beads given to her in gen ed by her first and only friend. The beads were too cheap for her parents to ever deign to touch, and she knew that the data chip would never be discovered.

She forgot about it within the month.

iii

**A.N.** Thank you for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Madness in a Silken Thread  
**Limiculous

iv

what genetics kept from her, part ii

longevity

iv

Most citizens of the Allied Planets look back on the medicine of Earth-That-Was with horror. The people there had only lived seventy years or so. When, in this day and age, living to be a hundred and forty is common place, that life span seems incredibly short.

Inara understands, and sometimes looks on that average with envy. After all, she'll be luck to live to sixty. With constant medical care in the best hospitals on Sihnon, she might live to meet that old average.

But Inara never wanted to live out the end of her life in sterile, white corridors. She wanted to see places beyond her home world, no matter how beautiful she thought it. Sihnon had never felt quite comfortable.

So when Nandi, her closest friend in House Madrassa left for the outer rim, unable to accept the cold warmth that is the Companion's smile, Inara followed her. Not immediately, and not exactly – she simply found herself drifting away from the House, taking jobs further and further away, until one day, she realized that she had accepted a job off planet and she needed to find a ship.

She took a cabin on an Alliance passenger cruiser, but found it just as sterile as the hospitals she avoided. So when, after a month, it made its way to the Eavesdown docks of Persephone, Inara left to find a place on a new ship.

Kaylee shone amidst the squalor, and Inara was drawn to her (_and her captain_) like a moth to flames.

iv

**A.N.** Reviews are love!


	5. Chapter 5

**Madness in a Silken Thread  
**Limiculous

v

what her training kept from her, part i

closeness

v

Kaylee, bright Kaylee, was terribly intimidated by Inara the first few months of the woman's stay on the ship. It was understandable; Kaylee was as crude as Jayne, though far kinder in her judgments of people. She was born on the mid rim to a lower class family, had only the minimum education required by Alliance standards, and had only seen her home planet and the markets _Serenity_ docked near. Of course Kaylee would compare herself to the companion and, not being able to see her own beauty – both inner and outer, find herself lacking.

Inara saw this in Kaylee's body language, heard it in her cheerful, but quavering greetings each morning. The older woman didn't care about Kaylee's coarseness; her sweet, caring personality was by far her best trait. Kaylee was a beautiful soul, and Inara had no interest in making the girl uncomfortable.

She hadn't seen how lonely Kaylee was.

She hadn't recognized that same loneliness in herself.

Inara found herself wandering through _Serenity_ late at night. Once, she saw Jayne sharpening knives in the kitchen, quiet, almost meditative in his focus. She left him undisturbed, moving slowly back to her shuttle, finding comfort in the sleeplessness of another person out in the black.

Several times, she saw Wash and Zoe, on the bridge, or curled up in the common area. They sat with linked hands and soft eyes; the lust in relationships Inara was accustomed to was replaced with a comfortable, abiding love. The pair made her chest ache and her stomach twist with unacknowledged emotions. They, too, she slipped soundlessly away from, blinking back tears at the swelling loneliness.

She never saw Mal.

The last time she felt the need to wander for a long time, she found Kaylee just outside the engine room, sobbing. Before she could consciously work out what to do, Inara found herself kneeling in front of the girl, lifting Kaylee up and into her lap, rubbing slow circles into her back. The mechanic curled into Inara's shoulder, and she could feel the tears soaking into the materials of her dress, the hushed smell of damp silk bringing up memories of Nandi holding her just this way in Inara's first months at House Madrassa.

When Kaylee's tears had all dried, Inara lifted the girl up and wordlessly led her back to the shuttle, back to soothing tea and incense, back to soft brushes and washcloths, back to listening ears and comforting arms.

Kaylee poured out her loneliness and fears and homesick grief into a quietly murmuring Inara's lap, and fell asleep, secure in the knowledge that there was someone on _Serenity_ who understood and listened.

Inara fell just a bit in love with Kaylee, but shared nothing of herself but sympathy and support. Companions could not grow attached.

v

**A.N.** Everybody on the ship is just a little in love with Kaylee, right?

Reviews are the best creative fuel!


	6. Chapter 6

**Madness in a Silken Thread**  
Limiculous

vi

what her family kept from her, part iii

knowledge

vi

Inara had always known there was something wrong with her mother. It wasn't the best kept secret that she suffered from fits that left her ill for days after. But even years into her mother's illness, she never expected the same thing to happen to her.

It had started with the dizziness. And then the chills and the forgetting what she had done the day before. Inara was lucky; Nandi was a good friend, and had worried and fussed until Inara agreed to go to the hospital.

Kidney failure.

_Does your family have a history of illnesses?_

(Mother, Father, why didn't you tell me?)

_Do you know the nature of this illness?_

(Didn't I have the right to know?)

_We're going to have to run some tests. For now, I want you to stay overnight for observation._

(I don't want to die.)

It took two days for the test results to come back. Inara had returned to the training house on Madrassa and was teaching some of the younger girls archery when Nandi called her in to view the message on the cortex.

"The disease your mother died of was a genetic disorder. We would like for you to return to the hospital for more information and tests on the progression of the disorder in you."

Inara remembered little of her second visit to the hospital. Nandi had accompanied her, much to the chagrin of the House Mother, and held her hand when the doctor gave her the news. Companions should not need comfort.

_Any daughters you have will be just like you. Most of your sons, as well._

(Never.)

_No children,_ she had murmured into Nandi's shoulder. _I'll never have children._ The older woman had held her until her sobs had subsided, saying nothing, because words could never make this better.

vi

**A.N.** Reviews are love!


	7. Chapter 7

**Madness in a Silken Thread**

Limiculous

vii

what her training kept from her part ii

openness

vii

River noticed it first, in her own way.

"Systems failing," she had murmured, glancing up at Inara through the ever-present curtain of her lank hair. The girl had wandered into the common area only a few moments before, ignoring Inara's slow brewing of tea in favor of tracing the flowering vines on the walls.

For a moment, Inara thought that the sudden shiver that wracked her body resulted from River's words, and then she registered the other signs.

"Simon is in the med bay," River murmured, strangely lucid, as Inara stumbled upright, eyes wide with recognition.

Later, as Simon carefully cleaned and put away his instruments, he asked, "Who knows?"

"On Serenity?" Inara's words were soft, weary and strained. "You. And your sister, I suppose. I'd– I would like to keep it that way."

Simon's mouth tightened. "Kaylee–"

"Kaylee would never be able to smile at me innocently again. Wash would feel as though he must censor his jokes. Mal–" Her voice cracked and she had to swallow heavily before she could continue. "I don't want his pity." There was more, so much more, but Inara couldn't articulate her feelings, complicated as they were, to anyone, not core-bred, reserved Simon, not joyous, loving Kaylee, not even herself.

But Simon only nodded in understanding, not pressing, and Inara had to remind herself that this young man (_too young_) was a doctor, a professional. He had seen this before.

vii

A.N. Reviews are the food of the creative!


	8. Chapter 8

**Madness in a Silken Thread**  
Limiculous

viii

what her family kept from her, part iv

friends

viii

Inara was in gen ed for two years. None of the other kids liked her, and she never quite knew why. Sometimes, she would go home and tell her mother that she was very lonely, but Madame Serra always said that there was nothing anyone could do about a trivial thing like that.

Bao-Ling came, late in the second year of primary school. Bao-Ling was always sick. Bao-Ling was teased by all of the other boys and girls. But Bao-Ling was kind to Inara; they played gently with the dolls inside, and sat in the warm grass at break to tell stories. Bao-Ling was the first to call her 'Nara.

The first time Inara went to Bao-Ling's home to play, she learned that not all families were like her own. Mrs. Koh, Bao-Ling's mother, was warm and kind and dispensed with hugs and kisses and cookies as freely as Inara's parents ignored her.

Inara used every excuse possible to go home with Bao-Ling, and her father noticed.

Later in life, when she reflected back on those short months, Inara could not believe that her father was malicious. He simply grasped for power, and his daughter's association with the Kohs was unacceptable. After all, the aspiring upper class could not associate with those too poor to detect and fix the mutation that causes Down's syndrome.

(Before the Serra family left, Bao-Ling gave Inara a present- a few strands of cheap plastic beads- that Inara kept with her for the rest of her life.)

viii

**A.N.** I hit a spot of writer's block, and then got dragged into _The Social Network_ Kinkmeme over on livejournal (which is certainly the least kinky and most schmoopy/angsty of all the kinkmemes that I read) again. And then luvagoo's reviews popped up in my inbox, and I got all inspired all over again. Thank you, darling!

And to all my reviewers without accounts - I can't message you personally, but thank you ever so for your kind words! They mean so much to me. And to my silent readers, thank you for your support and presence!


	9. Chapter 9

**Madness in a Silken Thread  
**Limiculous

ix

Sleep

what her illness kept from her, part i

ix

Inara can't sleep.

She's grateful, mostly, for the surgery that keep the signs of weariness from her face. That makes her job easier, makes facing each new day easier, makes looking Mal in the face and saying, _Yes, yes, I'm fine, now get out of my shuttle,_ so much easier. But sometimes she wishes she still has the dark circles and the puffiness of her youth. If she could have those reminders, then perhaps she wouldn't feel so false. She might be forced to come out from behind the veil of pretenses and lies, and be entirely, nakedly honest to those who she considers to be family.

But she can't sleep. She can't be fully rational. She can't function far from her basic instincts, brought to the surface by her exhaustion and scratching at the glass walls of her training.

But knowing that her illness has progressed to this point, and being capable of telling the only person on the ship who could possibly help her are two very different matters. She can't _trust_ Simon, because even though she knows that he is possibly the most moral person on Serenity and would never break doctor-patient confidentiality on purpose, Inara can't help but distrust his ability to keep worry or pity from showing.

So Inara wanders at night, roaming _Serenity's_ halls. She fills out guild paperwork, schedules, and runs background checks. She makes tea, burns incense, and bathes. She dances and prays. She tries to forget why she can't sleep.

She can't.

ix

**A.N.** - Sorry for taking so long with this one, you guys. But in any case, reviews are my best inspiration! winkwinknudgenudge


	10. Chapter 10

**Madness in a Silken Thread  
**limiculous

x

what her family kept from her, part v

stories

x

Despite the neglect at home, despite her training as a companion, Inara had always been oddly sheltered. She knew almost nothing of the harsh reality of life on the rim, of crime in the core cities, of corruption in the government. Oh, she knew the _theory_, but theory did not prepare her for life on_ Serenity_.

Theory did not prepare her for Zoe talking about the trenches (_tyen shiao duh,_ grenades in the _apples_). Theory did not prepare her for the brutality of Mal and Wash's torture at the hands of Adelai Niska.

Along with her innocence of the evil of the world, Inara also had no real knowledge of the good times families could share. Her life had been marked by loneliness and loss. She had no stories of mad aunts or rambunctious cousins. There were no exciting vacations or family legends to speak of. She had only her experiences in the Guild to talk about, and she could see every thought that passed through Mal's head – through Jayne's, through Shepherd's – when she told stories about her clients, about training, about other companions.

She knows what she is. She is proud of her profession. It's something that she can fully lay claim to, something no one else can take credit for, something that she can be proud to call hers.

But.

The ghosts of her childhood – her long dead mother's indifference, her estranged father's disdain, the taunts of her peers at school – inform Inara over and over that _she is not worthy._

_She is nothing._

_She is the ugly duckling who will never be a swan, no matter how she paints her face._

_She will die young._

_She is just a girl. Just a middle-class upstart. Just a failure. Just a disappointment. Just a whore._

Inara knows that her stories will never be personal. She knows that most of the crew will not see _her_; they'll only see her job and won't be able to separate the two.

_Just a whore._

x

**A.N.** - shit i'm really bad at this whole responsibility thing. i... lost my muse? but she came back two days ago and i've been writing like mad ^.^

If you ever have any questions, you can ask me on my tumblr, which is linked through my homepage on here. I'll probably be able to get back with you much quicker over there.


	11. Chapter 11

**Madness in a Silken Thread  
**limiculous

xi

what genetics kept from her, part iv

health

xi

breathe

she cant

"Inara, what-"

help

please god

she can't _breathe_

"She's having some kind of seizure-"

simon

simon

SIMON

"Get her to sickbay, NOW-"

hands touching her

oh god somethings in her mouth somethings in her mouth _get it out_

choking choking

"Oh, god, 'Nara! What's wrong with-"

cold metal

the rip of fabric

a sting in her neck

darkness

(And the slightest ripple of movement on the glassy surface of a koi fountain.)

xi

**A.N.** - Wow. Hi. (i'm kinda having trouble with internet, so even though i have lots written my posting is gonna be very sporadic. sorry. [not that that's any different from normal sooooo... bear with me?])

And, uh. Like I said. Stream of conscience.

Also, reviews - esp. constructive criticisms - really, really help. I can't get better if I don't know what's wrong! kthnxbai


	12. Chapter 12

**Madness in a Silken Thread**  
limiculous

xii

what her training kept from her, part iv

companionship

xii

By the time she is twenty, Inara Serra is competent at every skill the companion's Academy has to offer. Competence, however, is apparently not enough to give her the title of full companion. At her quarterly assessment, the Matron of the House sits Inara down and tells her, blunt and unapologetic, that she will have to be far more than_ simply competent_ if she wants to join their esteemed ranks.

"After all," Matron concludes, watching Inara closely, "we cannot have every two-bit whore with a bit of class able to get a license."

Inara, fighting to hide her rage at the unsubtle insult, thanks the Matron coldly, stands, and leaves the room.

Nandi, her big sister in the House, is waiting outside, a tiny crease in her forehead the only sign of her worry. It's been nearly two months since Inara's seen her last, and her mere presence in enough to calm Inara down from her shaking rage. "Well," Nandi asks. "How did it go, _mei-mei_?"

"Terribly," says Inara, frustrated tears stinging at her eyes. "I don't think I'll be able to come back next quarter. I'm— I'm not good enough for this line of work."

"Nonsense," Nandi tells her as they fall into step. "You're far better than I was at twenty, and I started when I was six. You were _twelve _when you came to the House. Matron just wants to push you harder."

"She said I was no better than a two-bit whore," Inara mutters, glancing to the side. There's something _off_ about Nandi right now, as if her mind is elsewhere.

"Nothing wrong with a two-bit whore," Nandi says, clearly trying for cheerfulness, but her voice falls flat.

"Easy for you to say." Inara heads in the direction of the dormitories, carefully disguising the movement of her lips with a fan as the two pass a small clump of younger girls wobbling along on _okobo_. "Your place is assured. They'll never remove you from the guild." She hazards a glance over at Nandi, wondering just what is wrong. Her mentor has her face angled away. "Nandi?"

"Maybe I don't want that!" Nandi bursts out, looking suddenly at Inara, eyes blazing.

"What?" Inara asks, shocked.

Nandi's face twists, ugly with frustration for just a moment, before she grabs Inara's arm and drags her the rest of the way to Inara's room.

Pushing Inara in, Nandi carefully shuts the door, leaning her forehead against it while she talks. "I… can't say that you've had it easier than me because you haven't, I know that, but, _ta ma de!_"

She turns from the door, and Inara sees that her fists are clenched tight against her stomach, her eyes shuttering from side to side in agitation.

"My whole life has been planned for me," she says, finally looking at Inara. "For as long as I can remember, I've known that I would come here, train to be a companion, and make vast amounts of money to spend on pretty clothes and jewels and luxury trips… and I know that that is the dream life for so many people, but I've always wanted to go see everything the 'verse has to offer and-" Nandi swears viciously, nostrils flaring. "I want to make my own way! I can't do that as a companion. You chose this life. I never did, and I don't want it."

Inara stares at her closest friend, feeling an odd roaring in her ears. "I -" she begins, voice unacceptably weak. She clears her throat and tried again. "Will you be leaving the guild soon, then?" _Will you be leaving me,_ she wants to ask.

Nandi knows Inara far too well, and she softens, reaching forward to pull Inara into a tight embrace. "Not yet," she whispers. "And certainly not before we get you certified." She draws back, her earlier frustration and anger once more hidden behind a serene mask. "I'm here to make sure that happens."

Inara hears all of this as if from a distance. She knows that Nandi will work with her night and day to ensure that Inara gets licensed, but it won't just be for Inara's benefit. Nandi wants free, and Inara is the only thing holding her back. It's only a matter of time before she loses her mentor, before she is alone once more. But Nandi's happiness is far more important than her desire to keep a friend close, and Inara understands precisely how choking a gilded cage is. Inara will become a companion. She'll send Nandi out into the black with a smile and a wave. She'll make sure that she doesn't hold Nandi back from her dreams. And she'll never chain someone again, even if that means holding herself aloof for the rest of her life.

xii


End file.
